the real story of david hackett: part I

David Hackett. The legend begins long ago, almost 1 whole year, in Park City, Utah.

Following a day of riding, a cold afternoon was spent with THE Bloody Mary in a local mountain bar. All was great; we had a buzz going on, Guardo the head chef had brought us a complimentary shrimp platter and my hangover was almost gone.  As my friend Joe and I were enjoying a marry afternoon sipping down happiness, something told me to look over my shoulder. It was though I felt the universe freeze time for this very moment, and then I saw him.  The man in the black apron with that savvy haircut and those elegantly pierced ears. Man! Those studs!

"Why," I thought to myself, "this waiter looks strikingly similar to my good pal and fellow staffer David Hackett!"

I turned my head surprisingly to Joe, "What the FUCK is Hackett doing here working at this restaurant when he should be getting hammed with us?!"

"That's not David," Joe scoffed as he threw back another drink in disbelief. Deep down though, I knew he was pondering the same thing.

We both sat in silence not sure what to do.  Here we were, on this epic ski trip that we took an entire year to plan, and David over here got a fucking job!  It was ludicrous. Who would allow such a thing and better yet, how has David kept his secret for so long?  

Racking our brains for answers, Joe turned to me. "There's only one way to find out. Let's call him over and order something from him."
The plot thickens.
Joe's hands shot up in the air and my voice called out over the crowed "HACKETT! You dirty boner, get over here!"

David looking as surprised as he could be

David's head snapped to the direction of our voices.  He was close enough to me that I could see him mouth under his breath,
"Oh fuck."
He quickly dipped into the kitchen, hidden from our view.


Joe and I turned to each other.  We were four, soon to be five Bloody Mary's deep, ready for some action.
"We need to go follow him!" I pleaded as Joe ordered another drink.  Joe, dazed almost as though he had forgotten what had just happened, shrugged.
"He'll be here tomorrow.  It's his job....right??"  And with that he slammed down another drink and slapped the ass of the nearest girl, nearly falling out of his chair screaming, "WOOAAHH!!"


Back at the cabin I was still perplexed.  Why was David working when we should be having an epic time on the slopes.  I decided to dig deeper without my counterpart, Joe.  I had to get to a computer, and fast.



It was 8:05pm on Tuesday night.  Snow Volleyball was just about to start; surly mountain employees and staff would be preoccupied with tits flailing than with their important end-of-the-day figures to crunch.  I stealthily climbed over stair railings toward Legends Bar and Grill where we had seen Hackett last.  As I looked for a place of entry, a side door left ajar caught my eye.  As I tuned my head I saw Guardo exiting the building, walking towards the ruckus [aka tits] at the volleyball quart.  I took the opportune chance and slipped through the door he had forgot to close.

The first door I came to had a large sign on the front reading: EMPLOYEES ONLY

Bingo.  David's file MUST be in here.

I  hurriedly reached for the door handle.

"What do you sink you are dooooing zittle girl?"  A cold, clammy, large palm tightly gripped my right shoulder.  "Zit reads, employees only."

The hand gripped tighter and quickly spun me around so that I was face to face with my mystery man.  He was a tall motherfucker, 6'4 or 6'9, white as Michael Jackson and as bald as Iain's vagina.  He had a scar that ran from his left eyebrow, across his eye and down towards the bottom of his cheek.  In a pinstriped suit, he stood  with a cigar in the corner of his lips, stating into my heart with terrifying yet sophisticated class.  He reeked of Axe body spray and lip gloss, two things that made me wonder where the nearest gay bathhouse was.

This is roughly what he looked like...without his pinstriped suit

"Vat are you doing hurr!!" He screamed into my ear.  I was not about to let some backdoor wanna-be pansy try to intimidate me with his outlandish facade he was trying to scare me with.

"Fuck you, man!  I WORK here!"

And with that he let me go, lifted his palm towards his heart as though he was touched by what I had said, and quickly swung it back around only to bitch-slap the fuck out of my delicate little cheek.  The force behind his blow sent me sailing through the air and onto my ass further down the deserted hallway.

"Zoo not make meh angry, little vhite gurl!"  He screamed again as spit was viciously launched in my direction.  "Now tell meh, vhere iz David Hackett!"

 I was still on the ground, dumb founded.  We were both looking for the same person.

"I know where he is," I said boldly, "but first you need to tell me who YOU are.  I'm not about to negotiate with some nameless chode head."  His eyes glazed over with pure fury.  His fist clenched into a bloodless, white ball.

"I....", he paused, "I am Vladimir....Vladimir Dzhamgerchinov.  David Hackett owes a lot of people a lot of money."  He then popped his cigar out of his thin lips and let it on fire.  He slowly brought it back to his mouth in a creepy seductive-like manor and puffed on the large tobacco-filled stick.

"That kind of reminds me of what I saw Branderson do to my cat, the other day," I thought to myself.  I still was on the cold floor, trying to see if there was anyway I could jet off and outrun Vladimir.

As my eyes wandered, I started to hear yelling coming from down the hallway.  The shouts started getting louder and were soon accompanied by rapid gun fire.

“Vse zayebalo! Pizdets na khui blyad!  Idi v pizdu, blya, mudak!!” One of the voiced shrieked as more rounds flew through the air.

I jumped up with a quickness, looked around for possible solutions but was interrupted by the sight of a grenade rolling towards my way.  Vladimir was no fool.  He had seen the grenade before it was thrown.  He quickly swung me around with his man hands and pulled me through the Employees Only door.

"GET DOWN!!!!!!!"  He screamed as we positioned ourselves behind stainless steel cupboards.  A white flash ensued and my world went black.






.....to be continued